It’s Official! Tom Holland is Your Caucasian, Heterosexual (But NOT Sexually Active), Non-Torturing, Non-Lethal, Straight-Edged Spider-Man!

Spidey Thwip

by: Jay Carlson

The search is finally over and Tom Holland has emerged from Thunderdome as the victor. Marvel announced today that Holland will be the next Spider-Man, following in the footsteps of Andrew Garfield and Toby Maguire.

Holland was one of a handful of rumored hopefuls including, Judah Lewis, Matthew Lintz, Charlie Plummer, Charlie Rowe and Asa Butterfield. (Butterfield was rumored to be the choice a couple weeks back.)

Producer and former Sony President Amy Pascal says of Holland’s casting, “Sony, Marvel, Kevin and I all knew that for Peter Parker, we had to find a vibrant, talented young actor capable of embodying one of the most well-known characters in the world.  With Tom, we’ve found the perfect actor to bring Spider-Man’s story into the Marvel Cinematic Universe.”

As part of the Sony hack, emails between Marvel and Sony explicitly laid out exactly how the character would be portrayed:

The character must be “male; does not torture; does not kill in defense of self or others; does not use foul language beyond PG-13; does not smoke tobacco; does not sell/distribute illegal drugs; does not abuse alcohol; does not have sex before the age of 16; does not have sex with anyone below the age of 16; and is not a homosexual (unless Marvel has portrayed that alter ego as a homosexual).”

It goes on to state that the Peter Parker traits must conform to the following:

“His full name is Peter Benjamin Parker; he is Caucasian and heterosexual; his parents become absent from his life during his childhood; from the time his parents become absent he is raised by Aunt May and Uncle Ben in New York City; he gains his powers while attending either middle school or college; he gains his powers from being bitten by a spider; he designs his first red and blue costume; the black costume is a symbiote and not designed by him; he is raised in a middle class household in Queens, New York; he attends or attended high school in Queens, New York; and he attends or attended college in New York City.”

Also announced is the hiring of Jon Watts to direct Holland in the standalone Spider-Man film set to open July 28, 2017. Watts is best known for 2014’s Clown and this year’s Cop Car.

Marvel’s Kevin Feige says of Watts’ hiring  “As with James Gunn, Joss Whedon, and the Russo brothers, we love finding new and exciting voices to bring these characters to life.  We spent a lot of time with Jon and find his take and work inspiring.”

So there you have it, we have out next Spider-Man. Out of all the actors mentioned I was hoping for Holland, as he’s my favorite actor of the bunch and gave me the best Peter Parker vibe.

What are your thoughts?

2 thoughts on “It’s Official! Tom Holland is Your Caucasian, Heterosexual (But NOT Sexually Active), Non-Torturing, Non-Lethal, Straight-Edged Spider-Man!

  1. There we go!

    I am excited for this guy, This is a NEW era in spiderman and you can toss everything else out the window. I can’t even explain how cool it will be to see spidey swinging along with the likes of Iron Man and Captain America.

    real cool choice.

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